I just reread what I wrote a few months ago. There was so much hope in that post. I don't know what happened, but I diverged from that path somewhere along the way. Actually, I do know what happened. I fell for the guy I was dating, and he was a soulsucking blackhole. Decent enough guy really. Fabulous, truthfully, but he was a taker and I was a giver and I gave too much and lost sight of myself. It's funny how quickly that happens. How cliche I became. Emotions can cloud so much of your judgement, and my personal goals and life became a fog and I got lost in it.
Today is my last day of work. So it seems somehow appropriate that I update my post. Working for this Union Station Homeless Services has been eye-opening. I'm good at what I do. It's nice to know that. But, I also know that what I'm doing right now doesn't make me happy. I'm working for other people, living according to their expectations and schedules on their terms. And I'm SITTING all day long. I'm not a sitter and I don't want to work in front of a computer anymore. I'm done with spreadsheets and call lists and mail merges and an eight-hour relationship with my computer.
I want to work in an environment where I move about, where I interact with people, and have new and interesting stories to take home with me, not the office gossip acquired at the watercooler. Stories that will build in my mental archive. Stories I'll be able to share with others and incorporate into my own writing. I'm kind of obtuse on the idea front. Somewhere along the way I lost some of my imagination and became a pragmatist. But take someone else's experiences or adventures, and I can turn and twist it into something completely new and different. I have a knack for accenting and improving other people's writing, comedy bits (I play off others well), whatever, you name it. While it's annoying, it's also a gift, and I need to figure out how to use that gift to my advantage.
Driving home yesterday, I was so thankful to be where I am. Yes, I'm single again. Yes, as of tomorrow I'll have no job. Yes, I'm still neck deep in debt. Yes, I have to live with roommates at my age. And still I'm thankful. The base of these foothills are gorgeous and green and welcoming. The hikes are plentiful. My friends are dear. And the sun shines here, it shines and I get to see it everyday. And so I was listening to the "Oldies" station which isn't really an oldies station anymore, and I passed my favorite car on the planet: a 1939 Chevrolet truck 3100 series with whitewalled tires and woodslat running boards. It was royal blue and had hurricane windows, a symbol of automobile perfection. And suddenly, three possible articles came to mind. I could see them in my mind, how they'd start and to whom I could submit them. And I realized I can make this work. I can be an actor AND a writer AND an entrepreneur. This is going to work. I don't think I'll be in Los Angeles for many more years, but I'm here until I believe in myself enough to stand on two feet. Until I learn not to invest myself so deeply in someone else that I forget about myself. Until I know that I deserve better than being told I'm loved and allowing that person to get away with not acting on it (daily, hourly, every living second).
This weekend I may go to Mammoth Lakes or Sedona or just stay home and go to the beach. I'm not sure yet, but I'm feeling more hopeful now than I have since February just after writing that post. It hasn't been the greatest couple of months, but I wouldn't return the learning experiences for naive peacefulness. Somethings you just have to find out for yourself. Too bad we can't all be born wise. The nice thing about these past few months is whereas before I might have shied away from risk taking because the possibility of being hurt was too great, now I can say that I'd prefer to embrace the risk because even the hurt comes to an end.
Now, if I can just get ridiculously lucky and have someone pay me $5,000 a day!
-- Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
30 June 2010
11 February 2010
And the Saints Go Marching On: New Paths & Adventures
Music permeates my brain lately. I've been listening on Pandora, KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic, MySpace, Youtube, whatever I can find. I have a need to sing. Driving in my car, I randomly hum trying to challenge my piss-poor vocal chords to do more than they are capable of. I'm in a place: Los Angeles in Spring in a temporary state of being that is my life and it needs a soundtrack. This morning there was snow on the foothills in Pasadena, while the rain-cleaned foliage radiated their verdant colors along the highway and local streets. New little squirrels are out galavanting around. It's time to start anew.
I have a new job. I am working for this fabulous organization, Union Station Homeless Services, as their interim volunteer coordinator. Part of me is wholly disappointed at the fact that I'm back in an office job. But I have to face it, I need it right now. And, there are other things I can be doing to forward my career so that when I leave, I'm in a better financial position, mental position, and prepared position career-wise. I'll be working 9-5 for the next few months, but I'll be paying off debt that so quickly accumulates in this city. I can get back into a workout and meditation routine. I'll have time to write, and on the weekends, with my friends, I can produce shorts to use toward my reel. I really need a reel. I won't be in the office for long.
I'm in a new relationship. We're taking it slow. He may not even be around very long, since he's from the Midwest and entertaining some job offers back home. I am happy, yet scared to get too invested just yet. Besides, I have plans and the Midwest is not listed anywhere in them. Oy.
I've seen faces new to me. The other day I was at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. It's free after five. In line ahead of me was this cute little woman who was trying so hard to dress in the stereotypical Diane Keaton style. Then she turned around. It was Diane Keaton, and looking quite like herself, she was fabulous. She was with a friend, and I was with a date. We ended up at the same museum building getting stuck in an elevator for a little while. We exchanged elevator chitchat. She was very nice, and I couldn't help thinking. You are an acting god. I took it as a sign from heavens that I was meant to do this. I know that's a weird digression, however, I've been wondering how to make this all work and if I had the passion to continue in film or pursue hosting and more commercial endeavors. The latter are fun and pay the bills in this business, but film is the heart and soul for me. Couple seeing Diane Keaton with the fact that even though I live in Los Angeles and work quite often as background on major sets, I NEVER see nor interact with celebrities. For the most part, who wants to? They're just like everybody else, and because of their celebrity often lack key social skills that make you human. Diane Keaton was definitely human, and a little dose of the "go get 'em tiger" that I needed.
I've been cast in a webisode series that is certain to do well. It's again associated with the gaming and fantasy community which is one of the better educated more interested demographics in film and television. In other words, they have money and are willing to spend it. I love this script, which is written by my friend Matt Vancil. He's amazing and definitely going places. He's also given us actors a gem of a script that gives you so much to work with. That said, my part this season is tiny. And that's okay. I LOVE this character, and knowing, having absolute faith that this webisode series will be able to support itself, I have confidence that my character will be coming back in the many seasons to follow. And I can't wait!
So this weekend, I may make a made dash for the hills. Yay camping! But I also need a new haircut and color. Recommendations? I need a car wash, a brake job, and a wardrobe update. The hills sound perfect, don't you think? Maybe I'll watch the Sound of Music to get me started. Nothing like a little Edelweiss. Hmmm, nice tune, I'll keep that one for a while.
--
Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.
Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
I have a new job. I am working for this fabulous organization, Union Station Homeless Services, as their interim volunteer coordinator. Part of me is wholly disappointed at the fact that I'm back in an office job. But I have to face it, I need it right now. And, there are other things I can be doing to forward my career so that when I leave, I'm in a better financial position, mental position, and prepared position career-wise. I'll be working 9-5 for the next few months, but I'll be paying off debt that so quickly accumulates in this city. I can get back into a workout and meditation routine. I'll have time to write, and on the weekends, with my friends, I can produce shorts to use toward my reel. I really need a reel. I won't be in the office for long.
I'm in a new relationship. We're taking it slow. He may not even be around very long, since he's from the Midwest and entertaining some job offers back home. I am happy, yet scared to get too invested just yet. Besides, I have plans and the Midwest is not listed anywhere in them. Oy.
I've seen faces new to me. The other day I was at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. It's free after five. In line ahead of me was this cute little woman who was trying so hard to dress in the stereotypical Diane Keaton style. Then she turned around. It was Diane Keaton, and looking quite like herself, she was fabulous. She was with a friend, and I was with a date. We ended up at the same museum building getting stuck in an elevator for a little while. We exchanged elevator chitchat. She was very nice, and I couldn't help thinking. You are an acting god. I took it as a sign from heavens that I was meant to do this. I know that's a weird digression, however, I've been wondering how to make this all work and if I had the passion to continue in film or pursue hosting and more commercial endeavors. The latter are fun and pay the bills in this business, but film is the heart and soul for me. Couple seeing Diane Keaton with the fact that even though I live in Los Angeles and work quite often as background on major sets, I NEVER see nor interact with celebrities. For the most part, who wants to? They're just like everybody else, and because of their celebrity often lack key social skills that make you human. Diane Keaton was definitely human, and a little dose of the "go get 'em tiger" that I needed.
I've been cast in a webisode series that is certain to do well. It's again associated with the gaming and fantasy community which is one of the better educated more interested demographics in film and television. In other words, they have money and are willing to spend it. I love this script, which is written by my friend Matt Vancil. He's amazing and definitely going places. He's also given us actors a gem of a script that gives you so much to work with. That said, my part this season is tiny. And that's okay. I LOVE this character, and knowing, having absolute faith that this webisode series will be able to support itself, I have confidence that my character will be coming back in the many seasons to follow. And I can't wait!
So this weekend, I may make a made dash for the hills. Yay camping! But I also need a new haircut and color. Recommendations? I need a car wash, a brake job, and a wardrobe update. The hills sound perfect, don't you think? Maybe I'll watch the Sound of Music to get me started. Nothing like a little Edelweiss. Hmmm, nice tune, I'll keep that one for a while.
--
Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.
Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
01 January 2010
2009: A Year in Review
I keep a log about my daily happenings in my calendar. Today, I decided to go back through my 2009 calendar and take a look at just what occurred this past year. Upon first reflection, I didn't think much of 2009 until I reviewed my activities.
This may not have been a year of monumental accomplishments, but it was most certainly a busy year full of growth and change. I have learned so much this past year, about myself, the entertainment industry, my friends and our relationships, and life in general. Admittedly, I took a more passive approach to this year trying to be a sponge. Financially, emotionally (in relation to my career), and geographically starting over in a new place, I initially felt like I'd regressed to my first year after college where I was interning for free, driving pizza delivery and living with my best guy friend trying to make life fun and interesting. Almost ten years later, I'm in quite a similar place but with a change of city and roommates. Like those early years, though, I felt I needed to watch my surroundings and get my legs underneath me. Finding joy and acceptance in this situation while still maintaining drive and a happy, optimistic disposition can be challenging at times!
That said, I am so thankful for 2009. This past year, I learned how to fail. And I did, several times over. I did it in auditions. I did it in relationships, both with friends and lovers. I learned how to fail and move on, to let go when I needed to let go for the sake of my sanity and well-being. I learned how to persevere and find solace in personal strength. I failed in my classes and as an actor. I was able to do it fearlessly. I learned to live with my fear, and I'm learning still how to push beyond it. I'm learning still to be courageous.
In 2009, I made several student films. They were horrible, but it was an opportunity to get in front of the camera, fumble around, and again and again and again - learn. I became a background artist, aka extra for movies and film. I'm working toward becoming eligible for the screen actors union and watched long-time professional actors work on a set. I learned how different sets work and how different personalities work on set. I learned.
I made several new friends this year, many of whom I'm very thankful for. They've helped to shape my life today. I spent more time with some friends, and less time than I should have with others. I did my best to communicate with those I love, though I could have done it better. Always. I said goodbye to several friends who moved away and am preparing to say goodbye to several more as they take new directions in life. I moved to a better apartment with two good friends, who are in many ways becoming like family.
While a few friends got married or had kids, I've been struggling to find someone I can come home to. Dating is fun, but it's getting old. I'm in no rush though. I have career goals, and a relationship should only accentuate not detract from these. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll find someone in the near future.
In 2009, I also worked. I worked very hard. I catered. I temped. I acted as an extra. The work was long, some of it was hard, most of it paid minimally. As someone who rose the ranks of a civic/business career right out of college and never truly struggled, I have a new found respect for people living at the poverty level. As a single person, it's much more expensive to live than a couple. Two jobs are almost necessary to make ends meet. Health insurance is out of the question. I, as an employee of a charitable organization, never truly understood the struggles people face when living at this economic level. I have a new found respect and understanding for those clients and individuals in this situation. I also believe there are ways out if there were more support from the community as a whole. I believe that in the future, when I manage to pull myself out of this situation, this experience will help to shape my charitable activism.
I have many goals for 2010, and I'm ready to hit the ground running. I still have some sponging to do these first few months, and I look forward to my classes resuming in February where I'll have the opportunity to freely fail again. It's a safe place to take chances and risks. I will be looking for an agent this year, and, in the spring, a job most likely waiting tables that will be flexible enough for auditions and be able to cover my bills. As I said earlier, that's always a struggle with this lifestyle, but I chose it and for the life of me wouldn't choose anything else at this moment.
I'm also writing again. We had a brief break over the holidays where the industry shuts down. I hope I can maintain it. Acting is creative but there's something about the creative writing process. Writing is omnipotent. Acting is subjective. I value both, and need both.
I have a very good feeling about this year to come. I can't wait to share it all with you.
All my love,
Stephanie Paige
--
Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.
Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
This may not have been a year of monumental accomplishments, but it was most certainly a busy year full of growth and change. I have learned so much this past year, about myself, the entertainment industry, my friends and our relationships, and life in general. Admittedly, I took a more passive approach to this year trying to be a sponge. Financially, emotionally (in relation to my career), and geographically starting over in a new place, I initially felt like I'd regressed to my first year after college where I was interning for free, driving pizza delivery and living with my best guy friend trying to make life fun and interesting. Almost ten years later, I'm in quite a similar place but with a change of city and roommates. Like those early years, though, I felt I needed to watch my surroundings and get my legs underneath me. Finding joy and acceptance in this situation while still maintaining drive and a happy, optimistic disposition can be challenging at times!
That said, I am so thankful for 2009. This past year, I learned how to fail. And I did, several times over. I did it in auditions. I did it in relationships, both with friends and lovers. I learned how to fail and move on, to let go when I needed to let go for the sake of my sanity and well-being. I learned how to persevere and find solace in personal strength. I failed in my classes and as an actor. I was able to do it fearlessly. I learned to live with my fear, and I'm learning still how to push beyond it. I'm learning still to be courageous.
In 2009, I made several student films. They were horrible, but it was an opportunity to get in front of the camera, fumble around, and again and again and again - learn. I became a background artist, aka extra for movies and film. I'm working toward becoming eligible for the screen actors union and watched long-time professional actors work on a set. I learned how different sets work and how different personalities work on set. I learned.
I made several new friends this year, many of whom I'm very thankful for. They've helped to shape my life today. I spent more time with some friends, and less time than I should have with others. I did my best to communicate with those I love, though I could have done it better. Always. I said goodbye to several friends who moved away and am preparing to say goodbye to several more as they take new directions in life. I moved to a better apartment with two good friends, who are in many ways becoming like family.
While a few friends got married or had kids, I've been struggling to find someone I can come home to. Dating is fun, but it's getting old. I'm in no rush though. I have career goals, and a relationship should only accentuate not detract from these. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll find someone in the near future.
In 2009, I also worked. I worked very hard. I catered. I temped. I acted as an extra. The work was long, some of it was hard, most of it paid minimally. As someone who rose the ranks of a civic/business career right out of college and never truly struggled, I have a new found respect for people living at the poverty level. As a single person, it's much more expensive to live than a couple. Two jobs are almost necessary to make ends meet. Health insurance is out of the question. I, as an employee of a charitable organization, never truly understood the struggles people face when living at this economic level. I have a new found respect and understanding for those clients and individuals in this situation. I also believe there are ways out if there were more support from the community as a whole. I believe that in the future, when I manage to pull myself out of this situation, this experience will help to shape my charitable activism.
I have many goals for 2010, and I'm ready to hit the ground running. I still have some sponging to do these first few months, and I look forward to my classes resuming in February where I'll have the opportunity to freely fail again. It's a safe place to take chances and risks. I will be looking for an agent this year, and, in the spring, a job most likely waiting tables that will be flexible enough for auditions and be able to cover my bills. As I said earlier, that's always a struggle with this lifestyle, but I chose it and for the life of me wouldn't choose anything else at this moment.
I'm also writing again. We had a brief break over the holidays where the industry shuts down. I hope I can maintain it. Acting is creative but there's something about the creative writing process. Writing is omnipotent. Acting is subjective. I value both, and need both.
I have a very good feeling about this year to come. I can't wait to share it all with you.
All my love,
Stephanie Paige
--
Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.
Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
31 March 2009
Update on the Go
Hey all. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. The steady job hunt still continues, but I may not have to do it after all. It just depends on how some of my entrepreneurial endeavors work out. What endeavors you say? Well let me tell you!
I've started doing background work (extras) in order to gain onset experience, watch the pros at work, and learn how this "Biz" is put together. It's not hard, just long hours and really low wages. The good thing is I can work almost indefinitely because there's always something out there. I say that now because it's spring and this is pilot season. Let me requalify that statement, there's always something out there during spring. In the past two weeks I've worked on a TV movie that Hallmark is producing for the SciFi channel called Mega Storm, a Toyota commercial, been a party guest on Desperate Housewives (check out episode 521: Bargaining) and on HBO's pilot episode of Hung starring Anne Heche. I was also a featured theatrical statue/artist on CSI NY opening the "Grounds for Deception" episode. Tonight I get to work on the set of Eastwick as a town's person. Background work isn't well-respected in the industry, and it's certainly not where I want to stay but I hope it can help me to build connections and learn a little.
Also! I just became an Independent Associate for Prepaid Legal Services. I'm super excited about it. I think it's a great service and look forward to bringing it to others. Plus, the market's completely open which means that there's real opportunity to grow a strong business where I make my own rules. You guys know me. Being my own boss may be just the thing I need. Once I get my cards and site set up I'll let you know more about it.
Oh, and today I discovered the webcam on my computer. Don't worry, I'm not going to start video blogging. God knows I don't need to fulfill my need for screen time by torturing all of you with off topic rambles and rants. I just thought it was cool. The camera is horrible and really does add ten pounds. Amazing what limitations a lense actually has.
So if I haven't returned your phone calls or emails lately, that's pretty much why. On top of the odd background hours, trying to get my new business going, and job hunting, I have also been catering a little. It was greeting at the Nickelodeon's Kid Choice Awards at the Casa del Mar last week. Beautiful hotel! I can't wait til I make enough to spend an evening in one of their rooms. They start at $1,100 a night! Wow.
Hugs to all. More later. Oh, and check out my new website below. I'm using it to really pull my Twitter, Poetry blog, and professional website all together. The look will probably change in the future, since I found a great template that automatically imports stuff, but I'm pretty happy with how it's working for now.
Take care!
Steph Paige
--
Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.
Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
I've started doing background work (extras) in order to gain onset experience, watch the pros at work, and learn how this "Biz" is put together. It's not hard, just long hours and really low wages. The good thing is I can work almost indefinitely because there's always something out there. I say that now because it's spring and this is pilot season. Let me requalify that statement, there's always something out there during spring. In the past two weeks I've worked on a TV movie that Hallmark is producing for the SciFi channel called Mega Storm, a Toyota commercial, been a party guest on Desperate Housewives (check out episode 521: Bargaining) and on HBO's pilot episode of Hung starring Anne Heche. I was also a featured theatrical statue/artist on CSI NY opening the "Grounds for Deception" episode. Tonight I get to work on the set of Eastwick as a town's person. Background work isn't well-respected in the industry, and it's certainly not where I want to stay but I hope it can help me to build connections and learn a little.
Also! I just became an Independent Associate for Prepaid Legal Services. I'm super excited about it. I think it's a great service and look forward to bringing it to others. Plus, the market's completely open which means that there's real opportunity to grow a strong business where I make my own rules. You guys know me. Being my own boss may be just the thing I need. Once I get my cards and site set up I'll let you know more about it.
Oh, and today I discovered the webcam on my computer. Don't worry, I'm not going to start video blogging. God knows I don't need to fulfill my need for screen time by torturing all of you with off topic rambles and rants. I just thought it was cool. The camera is horrible and really does add ten pounds. Amazing what limitations a lense actually has.
So if I haven't returned your phone calls or emails lately, that's pretty much why. On top of the odd background hours, trying to get my new business going, and job hunting, I have also been catering a little. It was greeting at the Nickelodeon's Kid Choice Awards at the Casa del Mar last week. Beautiful hotel! I can't wait til I make enough to spend an evening in one of their rooms. They start at $1,100 a night! Wow.
Hugs to all. More later. Oh, and check out my new website below. I'm using it to really pull my Twitter, Poetry blog, and professional website all together. The look will probably change in the future, since I found a great template that automatically imports stuff, but I'm pretty happy with how it's working for now.
Take care!
Steph Paige
--
Connect creatively at http://www.everydaydifferent.wordpress.com.
Learn something new everyday. Contribute something new everyday. Live anew everyday. Find the beauty in everyday different.
15 March 2009
Like a Fish in Water
Whenever I've had to think, reflect, unload, cool off or destress, I do one of two things: take a walk under the stars and talk to the moon or head to a body of water and just feel it. I'm so thankful to be living in California, and I'm even more thankful that I'm still on the west coast and my friend the Pacific is close by. Pursuing your dreams doesn't mean achieving them, and while it's a nice idea I'm learning it's a lot harder to accomplish than it sounds. After a wonderful hike with friends this weekend, I took a solitary trip to Point Dume and walked the beach until sunset. It may not solve my problems, but it helps refresh my soul and face the ups and downs of the day. I'm so lucky to have this. I hope that each of you have something special that you do to wipe your mental slate clean.
Check it out!
EverydayDifferent.com - My Portfolio Website
POEIN - Literary & Artistic Blog
Check it out!
EverydayDifferent.com - My Portfolio Website
POEIN - Literary & Artistic Blog
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